How To Rebuild Your Relationship After An Affair | Infidelity Info

Infidelity is a subject that always causes controversy and gets a lot of attention. Recently in the news is the much publicised story of Kristen Stewart and how she has ?cheated? on boyfriend Robert Pattinson. Everybody has an opinion and many emotions are coming to the surface.

I understand the emotional aspect. Anyone who has ever been cheated on knows how much it hurts. The feelings that resurface are often raw and they dictate the opinions and actions of many people.

The attitude I most often experience is that you can never trust a cheater and ending a relationship is always the answer.

But is it really? Can you ever rebuild a relationship after cheating? Can you ever again trust your partner? I believe that you can.

Rebuilding a relationship after cheating is hard work. It takes commitment, time and perseverance.

Here are some important things couples should do when rebuilding their relationship.

1. Accept and work through emotions.

Like I said before, infidelity hurts. It causes many emotions in both partners such as anger, sadness, guilt, regret, distrust,? shame, worthlessness to name a few. People need to recognise that they are feeling these emotions and to accept that this is normal.? A sentence to say to yourself to facilitate this is ?I?m feeling angry because I?m going through an awful situation. I am entitled to be angry.?

Once you accept and own these emotions, you can then start to work through them. Working through emotions allows you to purge them from your system minimising the harmful effects they have on you. There are many techniques you can use to work through emotions including

  • Physical activity (running and punching bags are particularly helpful)
  • Writing (journaling/blogging and or letter writing in particular)
  • Other artistic outlets (painting, performance art etc.)
  • Crying (when you?ve finished crying, the body then releases chemicals into the brain that create feelings which make you feel better)
  • Screaming (Arthur Janov founded a form of therapy called Primal scream therapy where people work through repressed trauma by screaming)
  • Talking

These are just some ways to work through emotions, there are many more available that you can try.

2. Communicate

Many couples shut down and stop talking to one another when infidelity has caused conflict. Communication is vital because you need to be able to share feelings, create plans and work towards a healthier relationship. I understand that it is hard to communicate with someone that you may distrust at first, and the temptation to yell at your partner may be too great to bear, but constant and effective communication is needed to repair the relationship.

3. Don?t blame but own.

It is common for both partners to blame one another for infidelity. Blaming does nothing to repair relationships. It serves to shift responsibility of problems from themselves.? Blaming creates defensiveness in both partners, reduces accountability and prevents partners moving forward. What couples must do is own and acknowledge the individual factors that have contributed to infidelity.

I know this next sentence is going to be controversial and I?ll probably be on the receiving end of some opposing opinions, but a relationship involves two people and both parties must assume responsibility of infidelity. Both played parts and the only way to change the behaviours or attitudes that caused the infidelity is to acknowledge and own them.? ?Individuals must say to themselves ?I didn?t meet to my partner?s need of support (for example), and that has contributed to this situation?. People then have the knowledge and awareness to change this and create a stronger relationship.

4. Identify reasons for staying together

There will be many emotional reasons for breaking up when infidelity occurs, however, the reasons for staying together will be harder to think of. These reasons are important as they will help to keep you motivated and on track when the rebuilding process gets hard (trust me, there will be times that it gets hard and giving up will seem easier).

You will need to do this exercise on your own.? In a quiet spot, think about all the positive aspects of your relationship. What will you miss if your relationship ended? What do you get out of your relationship? Why did you start your relationship in the beginning? Take all these answers and write them down.? Constantly reread this list especially during the tough times.

5. Rebuild trust

When infidelity occurs, trust is destroyed. Trust is possibly the most important aspect in a relationship after love. It is a lot harder to rebuild trust than it is to initially gain it, but it is not impossible.

You will need to sit down with your partner and discuss what needs to happen for trust to be rebuilt. This is where communication comes in. Then after you?ve identified what needs to happen, you then need to do it. You may have to jump through some hoops, you will need to be transparent in your dealings with your partner and you will need to constantly prove yourself. This is also why you need reasons for staying together. You need to make sure this hard work is worth it.

A note to partners who need to have their trust rebuilt the temptation to use this opportunity to force a partner to do whatever you demand and use the threat of separation as a tool to enforce this will be huge, but please, don?t take advantage of this situation. It should be used as an opportunity for revenge. If you abuse this position, eventually your partner will end up leaving. A good way to prevent this is to discuss what needs to happen with your partner and agree together on what to include.

6. Give yourself time

It is important to realise that rebuilding your relationship will not happen overnight. It will take time. How much time is different for each couple. It is important to let the process happen as fast or as slow as it takes. In fact, some would argue that it will be a lifelong process. Once the relationship has been rebuilt, it will be important to continually maintain and strengthen your relationship.

7. Seek professional help

While couples could rebuild their relationships on their own, I think it is important to seek professional help such as counselling.? The counsellor will be able to facilitate the entire process which will help to make it easier and fair for both parties.

While it will be easier to end the relationship, if couples preserver and work at rebuilding their relationship, they will reap the benefits; relationships are often stronger and more fulfilling.

About the author

Rodney Owen is a Counsellor living Sydney, Australia. He has experience in crisis telephone counselling and mental health. He is currently the Director of Bloke Support, an organisation dedicated to helping men and their families overcome emotional difficulties and creating an awareness of men?s issues.

For more information on Rodney and Bloke Support or to download the free eBook ?10 Keys to a Successful Relationship? visit www.blokesupport.com.au.

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